


Endings

by Pita Pan (Lizlow)



Category: Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26606479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizlow/pseuds/Pita%20Pan
Summary: she sees him in the distance standing, bathed in the illumination where it all began. the weight around her neck seizes her, and she grips at the images of those who have since stood beside her to stay afloat; she mustn't waver.but the torment of the truth daunts her. she needed to discover it, to reveal it for her shoulders to bear. for the safety of others. for survival."in another life, maybe we could try again, hoshino. this thing, us."
Relationships: Hoshino Ichika & Zero (Collar x Malice)
Kudos: 19





	Endings

**Author's Note:**

> _but he chuckles, his voice tinged with the sorrow of the whole world, "but that's not how this will end."_
> 
> please do not read this until you have completed the first game! goodness, is he an interesting character. last time i wrote him, i wrote him from his own perspective, and not through hoshino's lens. lots of this text is saved and edited from an old scrapped piece! i hope you enjoy!

The pale light of the old church almost mocks her. It’s almost as though it tries to rob the situation of its cruel, cruel reality. There is nothing ‘blessed’ about this moment, and yet it grants itself the attempt of being so. It’s simply unfair to think, all this time, _he_ had been one of the closest to her. He faced her complaints and tears head on, and still went through with the trial, with the betrayal. 

This is where _that_ all began, so it’s fitting for... for _this_. The woe wraps around her and heaves her step, but that is not victory for him. She’ll not take his hand. That’s not how this’ll go; she’ll not allow it. 

Upon his face rests a familiar smile, friendly, knowing, assuring. He’s as he’s always been, right down to his expression, and it stabs into her, but her beg to awaken falls upon deaf ears. The anguish of this being _what is_ weighing upon her more than she can compare. It does not dissipate in an instant, and it might not ever. Her dear friend and classmate from the police academy, one of her biggest confidants, that’s still him. Every conversation with him, every minute she’s spent with him, replays in her mind. His laughter echoes, his quick agreements, those pats on the back that sometimes nearly took away their balance, the clicks of their glasses, her dragging him ‘home’ after he drank too much, not a single one is abandoned. These vivid memories numb her, but she doesn’t get lost within them. They push his name to the top of the iceberg; what had been hidden underneath is far more than she could have ever imagined. It wove into her life - their lives - and pulled it all apart. 

And all she can do now is try to steady herself, gripping her firearm with both hands, her aim right on the target. 

She mustn’t waver. 

“Hey, Hoshino.” 

This is for the passionate justice that had been exchanged within their atmosphere. Was it a gauge on her worthiness? There... isn’t a chance that all of it had been false, right? Of all the people in Japan, in the world, why would he single her out? A whim? Or something deeper?

“Saeki-kun...”

_Was everything a lie?_

_“Haha, you’ve always got my back, Hoshino!”_

_Our friendship?_

_“Let’s do this again sometime, Hoshino! Nothing like a few drinks to loosen away the stress of a hard-working, low-paying day, huh?_

_Our connection?_

_“Fell asleep at your desk again, Hoshino? Tsk-tsk, always overworking yourself. For the people, right? That’s the you I know.”_

_Did_ **_I_ ** _actually know_ **_you_** _?_

Hoshino grasps at straws, trying to answer her own question. She can only conclude that she didn’t at all. Not the real him, anyway. Perhaps the hints were there but she closed her eyes to the early ones because of her trust, or maybe they were scattered across timelines, waiting for her to gather them before they evaporated. She must stay in the present though, and hold herself to the choices that she’s made, and the ones she will make. Is the ‘Saeki’ before her even him, or is it an illusion the confusion in her mind has created from the stress, and shock, of his sheer shattering of his ‘image.’

He’s the one that collared her, the one that sent her through all of this. 

She didn’t _want_ to lift up the hood _Zero_ wore and see _him_ instead of someone, _anyone_ else. Yet, it’s come down to this. Everything has aligned, and there is no one else. No one else that could have been the culprit, save for him. No sudden stranger, just a nightmare that’s twisted into what can never be returned from. There’s no closing her eyes and returning to the good old days, when she was none the wiser, when all that happened were idle dramatics, a ‘normal’ for the life of two low-on-the-totem police officers who were doing their best for the civilians, when there was just them and their lively chatter, where Mochida would too enjoy the air of their youth. 

This is just not an ideal world, no. 

It’s a painful one. 

She asks herself, _why did he do this_? Why go through all this? Why risk what could have otherwise been an unshaken plan, why bring her together with the others. Was it all to see if she could do it, if her sense of justice couldn’t be rocked? 

_That look in his eyes is tragically distant. Yet, it’s asking me something that feels impossible._

_...Saeki-kun..._ **_Zero_** _... really does..._

Her finger rests on the trigger, but she doesn’t yet pull it. More to process, seconds to extend the coming of the finale, just a little bit longer. All her emotions will be put into this bullet, she _knows_. It’s unavoidable.

What could have happened, if things were different? Would he still have done this? Or would they be friends? Maybe he’d be able to burst out in laughter alongside Enomoto, the two of them, from the front she knew, seemed like they’d get along. 

Regardless of what could have been, it’s time to move forward. For Shinjuku, for all the lives lost, and for all threatened. Survival... means sacrifice, sacrifice of what she’s known. Despair cannot be kept, though. She’ll need time to recover, after this, if she makes it. If they make it. She’s reminded of the warmth of _his_ parka on her shoulders, his arms around her, and his support with her, here, with what she has to face, and she quells herself. For him, for Kazuki, for everyone. 

“You’ve worked hard to get to this point, Hoshino. Just like always. I knew you could.” 

Hoshino fights back the tears that claw at her eyes and sting them. She needs her vision, her clarity. _Breathe... Breathe... For the friend you once knew, and the times that cannot be erased. Even if his motives were this all along, even if that him wasn't true, those days were real... real to me._

“I couldn’t have done it alone.”

_It’s... been a good run, Saeki-kun..._

What will the _ending_ be? Will she be able to handle hearing his voice, _“Well, haha, I guess I failed_.” with his ever-warmly-appearing smile? Will she fall back into _his_ embrace? Or will the chill of distance leave their states in more tethers than be healed. 

Flash, the ringing of a blast, and smoke tracing the air about the barrel of her pistol. It all can conclude, for good.


End file.
